She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
