yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
