talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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