I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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