It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
