I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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