Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
