I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
