I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
