If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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