Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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