Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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