They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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