i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
