Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize