if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
