god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
