I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
