Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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