i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
