great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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