I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
