I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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