So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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