The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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