Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
