I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
