she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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