i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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