My Higher Power is John Stamos
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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