Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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