Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
