Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
