I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
