i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
