opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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