you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
