just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
