My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
