I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
