So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
