you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
