New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
