Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
