you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
