Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
