Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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