turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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