lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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