Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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