I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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