Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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