I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
