You just made me feel so damn special
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
