2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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