even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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