Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
