You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
