Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
