Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
