My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
