I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
