I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
