So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
