Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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