He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
